Too Many Maybes. Too Many Miseries.

The last few days have been challenging. The migraine and pain flares are going into 72 hours. I am overwhelmed with nausea from both. I am feeling very defined by my disease today, and sadly feeling very defeated as well.
Its these times, when the days roll into each other offering no relief, that I have the darkest of thoughts and lose hope that I will ever live a happy life.
The idea of growing old with this and feeling this pain makes me shutter. Its a dramatic and whiny sentiment, but I can't bare to imagine being a prisoner to my body year after year.
To add to the little violins, my husband shares in a misery of his own. The job he has the great fortune of employing him is definitely eating away at his soul. I am have never known him to be so depressed and just outright sad. He is up at 4:30am, and home between 7 and 9pm. Every day. Despite the salary and benefits we desperately need (while I go into month 5 with out any word from SSA), and despite knowing full well the job title and experience will pay off in time, its hard for him and myself to admit to a silver lining ahead.
We used to live carefree lives, working hard but living harder and passionately in a town and environment we loved. We both would wake up feeling blessed and grateful with every sunrise over the Rocky Mountain peaks, and found such joy and comfort in sharing all things our little ski town offered with people of like minds and passions. But my illness thrived in that environment so we had to move away. And say good bye to everything.
Its days like today, and weeks like this, that make me wonder if we should even being trying for a Maybe Baby. Perhaps my health and my husband's happiness should be our sole focus right now. Frankly I wonder how I will even manage to get up and nurse, to keep pace with a brand baby. I can't barely pour myself cereal in the mornings.
And my husband, who is trying to find his path in the career world now, maybe the stresses of a newborn are too much, too soon. Sometimes, I wish he would just leave me. I hate how much he has had to give up for me. It doesn't seem fair. I honestly wouldn't be mad. I would be happy. He could live his life, and go back to our perfect little ski town and at least one of us did not have to compromise. We went into this marriage swearing we would never live the lives we are living now. He didn't know. Its not his fault he married me.
Right now, everything feels like too much. too fast. too soon.
I just want to believe it gets better.