Well, I shed a few more tears unwillingly this week and felt the yank of the painful chain, despite my stubborness and need to convince myself I am stronger than this condition.
A few months from now I will be.
But right now, not so much. I am simply the host to this party, unwelcomed as it is.
I had my first "real" treatment session yesterday at the fibro specialist.
For some you would be jealous of my weekly digest of "get healthy" routines and requirements.
It's actually pretty damn nice from the outside.
A 2 hour drive with my husband to the beautiful Front Range of Colorado, from our snowy little town. I felt amazing. In fact the last four days I felt the best I had in months. Energized, sassy, laughing, spirited, I even ran up my steps with a burst of giddiness the night prior like I had broken a school yard rule for thrills.
I had not felt so close to myself in so long, I did not want to let it go.
We walked into to meet my team of doctors are wonderfully dedicated to get me on track, get my immune system working again, and get me back to feeling 32 not 92!
I had 2.5 hours, of minor chiro treatments, 2 injections into my traps, a B12 shot, some light exercises and electrode therapy and then a very light, soft massage--so light you couldn't beat eggs with the levity of force used.
The spirit that carried me into the office, left me quickly. I was literally spinning during the massage, my mind flipping up and down like on a rollercoaster, my anxieties shooting in and out of my core so much I was crawling out of my skin, holding on and calming myself with imagery and breathing to not lose it.
I felt like the biggest loser. The biggest wimp.
I couldn't handle what people consider spa treatments and heavenly pasttimes.
I hated every second.
When we were done, I got in the car with nothing left in me. No energy in my limbs, tearing up from emotions I didn't even know I had in me, tenderness and stiffness, bruising from the touch and injections. Pain and irritation. Exhaustion. Frustration.
I hardly slept. I was just so uncomfortable.
But I woke up early, which is rare for me. And made it to work, with a coffee in hand and in good spirits for a our weekly meeting.
45 minutes in I crashed. My streak of wonderful days felt like they never existed. Wiped away in a heartbeat, one swipe took them away with an easy stroke to my back.
I didn't call in. I wanted to half way through the meeting. I wanted to sleep. To stretch. To ache alone. To not be forced to think or speak or stare aimlessly at my computer for 8 hours.
The littlest of tasks today daunted me.
I felt worthless. Tonight I am lethargic, and soar.
But mostly pissed off. I have to mentally get a grasp on this. I have to stay in control.
I hate feeling mortal.
I'll figure it out. It's just a bad day. I guess I can have those. We are just getting started.
- Jilly
- This is a very personal record of my journey into the world of Chronic Illness and Disease. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at 31. In the course of 6 weeks following my diagnosis, I lost my job, my independence and my ability to live a life without limits. It is my hope this blog will provide some comfort for many of you suffering from this disease. I'm not the "Golden Girl" for Fibro. I'm not that strong. I simply look forward to honestly sharing the peaks and valleys of my journey with anyone willing to listen.
Subscribe To
Posts
Comments
Tricie | July 4, 2011 at 8:34 PM
DID THE TREATMENTS EVER GET TO WHERE THEY WERE USEFUL?
Jilly | January 27, 2012 at 7:03 PM
Hi Tricie. Massage is the hardest and it is not normal (or was not for me) for months. I subscribe specifically now to weekly acupuncture. It can be quite a "wake up" call at first if they "let out" too much too soon. In "chi" terms, my acupuncturist tells me she can control my flow of energy, and if not careful, it can get turned on too high. I have been left very ill for a week after the treatment in these cases. But now I go weekly, and I do believe it helps. I find most value in the practice of acupuncture, meditation, breathing and stress reduction, using heating pads on pain centers and stuff muscles and finally hot baths with epsom salt (every other day). I am starting massage, twice monthly in February,I'll let you know. I am a bit scared as too much pressure on the fascia can send you spiraling. Thanks for reading, sorry for the delay but I was on a hiatus of healing. =)