I am a work in Regress?

I find myself in constant contradiction with myself.
I am a walking hyprocrisy. If that can even be a thing. Well tonight it is, so just go with it.

On my blog's subtitle I state one thing, and I am damn adamant about it. "I am not the Golden Girl" of this disease. I like to think of myself as the polar of golden, something poopy colored, thats dull, unattractive, worthless and frankly, you're probably a wasting of your time reading any of this.

I know nothing. Nada. I am so clueless about this disease, and what works and doesn't, I am literally losing my mind.

For example, just last week I wholeheartedly supported the notion to " get off the pharms" and "letting the toxins out" by doing so. I sill 100% believe that's the route for the strong types. The fibro sufferers tougher than ME's out there. The Fibros who obviously don't have additional issues causing them a terribly miserable existence. I should be one of those strong types. But I am not. I am like a little helpless kitten, sulking and depressed, staring at the bowl of milk desperate to jump in and soak it up for a warm and fuzzy feeling, a good night sleep, a satisfied belly.
You know, if that milk is vicodin, or percocet and ambien, and flexeril. Maybe throw a clonazepam in there to simply numb my brain so I am not reminded of how absolutely terrible I feel.

So, today I feel it's my responsibility to note one thing: I WANT DRUGS! But, it is also important to state I did not refill my scripts, which I could have. I want to. But I didn't. I thought about, a lot. But instead, I am here, with my head perched on my pillow, fighting a migraine, my left leg almost totally numb, my back and neck in so much pain I have envisioned offing myself a handful of times this day.

But hey, those drugs, for me and speaking only for myself, simply mask what is going on.  And masking is important some days-like for instance when I want to enjoy myself or a day with my husband, family or friends, when the misery comes upon me. But right now, I am taking comfort in the fact I am ok being miserable tonight.

And I am testing out the Paleo Diet, with extra massive heaping amounts of veggies (kales, chards, green  and lots of berries!!) to see if my pain will dissipate. I am in week 3ish maybe 4, interrupted by some cheating-so lets subtract a week, lol.

At firs I thought it was working. But in all honesty, I have looked back on this last month and I have been laid up more days than healthy. I guess that's part of the process at the beginning stages of learning how to build your body back up after the initial severe fms diagnosis.
But I would think after 10/11 months I would be better.

My friends and family say I am light years better. And I appreciate that, I do. But I think a lot of what they see is I am not in the haze of all the drugs I was over prescribed at first. I can count all 12 fingers now (jk).

This was my ramble. I plan to make this a useful blog eventually. I have some topics and experiments I am going to bring public shortly--that I am doing with myself and my body and plan to blog about extensively. I just haven't decided truly how honest and public I want to get.

In the end this blog is here for one reason and that's to bring all fms issues to light-because it's is soooooooooo much more than just pain. Like light years more. If it were just pain, I would be popping pain killers and living my life, dulling it.

I mean, wouldn't you all?